During a session with my former partner, one of our friends posited a theory: that we were all perfectionists and that was a big part of our problem. I thought he was crazy—about the problem part, not the perfectionism—and I protested mightily.
Two years later, I can see that he was right.
I’ve thought a lot about that insight since then. It changed my perception of my own perfectionism, which I used to wear as a badge of honor. Nowadays, when I start to feel dissatisfied or angry, I first check in with myself to see if the cause is the fact that a person or situation is different from what I envisioned as “perfect.” I’ve been surprised at how many times that disparity is the culprit underlying my discontent.
Of course, perfectionism has its benefits, especially in work, where it motivates over-achievers to pursue high standards and new visions. Perfectionists are driven to improve and innovate. They are disciplined and detail-oriented; both of which are critical in professions where there is no margin for error.
Culturally, we prize perfectionism; Steve Jobs and Martha Stewart are frequently credited with insisting that their teams strive for perfection. We don’t usually talk about the impact of working with a control freak or the collateral damage to creativity.
The problem arises when perfectionists take things too far. In our term language – “screen accurate”. They set standards that are impossible to meet and then devalue work that doesn’t meet the impossible standards. It’s a toxic loop considering now is 2016 versus 1977.
This article identifies three different kinds of perfectionism:
- Self-oriented perfectionism, in which individuals impose high standards on themselves
- Socially prescribed perfectionism, where individuals feel others expect them to be perfect
- Other-oriented, in which individuals place high standards on others.
Most people have some combination of these, with varying emphasis on one. All three types, left unchecked, are potentially fatal to partnerships. Why? Because everyone has their own version of perfectionism—and its very nature prevents partners from melding them into one vision. It can also become an impediment to effective leadership, because the time and neurosis required to make something “perfect” comes at the high cost of flexibility, responsiveness, creativity, and cooperation.
Self-oriented perfectionism is problematic because it can lead to obsessiveness; inefficiency; and a multitude of serious mental health issues that affect attendance, performance, and morale. You’ll often see a perfectionist procrastinate because she’s afraid of failing before she starts. Alternatively, she may position herself as a martyr, “the only one” who cares/thinks/works enough about getting things “right.”
When one partner can’t let go of a particular vision, or doesn’t value her own work product, it puts her partner(s) in the difficult position of arguing against a perceived, but ultimately unattainable, notion of greatness. Conflict about the value of work product is an express ticket to mistrust. The deep fear and insecurity that underlie perfectionism inevitably also impair open, authentic communication.
Socially prescribed perfectionism also threatens business partnership. It doesn’t take long for a partner to buckle under the pressure of unrealistic expectations. It’s hard to ask for help when you believe that it will be interpreted as a sign of weakness or incompetence.
Other-oriented perfectionism may be the worst of all, though. Partners who have one or more of these types of perfectionists in their midst will face a lack of empathy and forgiveness when they make mistakes. One partner may fear open communication because expressing his real feelings or thoughts will disappoint the other person.
I’m not sure there is a balanced approach to perfectionism. Having both coped with my own perfectionism as well as someone else’s, I’ve experienced first-hand that its rigidity is difficult to work with and build on, especially in a team or partnership setting. The insistence on a perfect solution doesn’t make space for the messy business of collaboration, which is what a partnership is. Because perfectionists tend to both expect and dole out criticism, it alienates them from partners who can offer support and encouragement.
What can you do to overcome perfectionism?(If you’re not sure you’re a perfectionist, try taking this test.)
- Cultivate mindfulness by asking yourself if your disappointment over an outcome is actually rooted in your perfectionism.
- Practice accepting imperfection—in yourself and in your partners.
- Acknowledge effort—on your part and on the part of your partners.
- Embrace iterative processes; there are almost always chance to improve upon your work.
- Invite feedback. If the prospect of criticism terrifies you, ask your partner(s) to give you constructive feedback regularly so you can get used to hearing it without feeling judged.
How have you dealt with perfectionism in yourself or in a partner? Tell me about it in the comments.
